One of the the things I've thought a lot about for the past few months is the eternal nature of our character. How much of who we are now were we before we came to earth? Are we truly capable of becoming anything we want? How much of what we are to become is predestined?
This is just the simple product of my thoughts thus far. Please feel free to comment and leave your own thoughts.
Let's say that I was told by a reliable source that I was loyal prior to my birth, and I like to think that I still am and will always be. Additionally, let's say that I was given a positive disposition as a reward for loyalty, so that wasn't really developed or part of my eternal nature.
That being said, there are many things to be considered. First of all, was that loyalty eternal, or was it developed premortally? "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" states, "In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life." This leads me to believe that there was decision, and thus progression prior to earth life. Otherwise, why should I be rewarded for a natural predisposition toward loyalty?
Of course, if that's all true, then we would have all started out as baseless beings with only a desire to do better. But where would the desire have come from? My guess is experience. We found we'd have a more satisfying experience if we developed positive characteristics. For example, one feels much better if they forgive their sister than holding a grudge for the rest of their lives. Which presents the idea that we improved out of pure self-interest. However, I like to think that personal gain is not enough motivation to do the things that will make us the happiest. But love is. Because the feeling of love is a fruit of the action of love, we naturally learned to do good things out of love for others rather than out of love for ourselves...and this really hasn't gone where I initially intended it to, but I'll leave it like this anyway...
Back on track: Gary Saul Morson poses the question, "What if selfhood, like all forms of order and unity, is not discovered, but made?"
All forms of order and unity? Mess is natural. Evil is natural. We have to work to put things away on a shelf. They can diffuse (almost) on their own. Cleanliness is no accident. Morson says, "“Evil happens not because we subconsciously wish it, but simply because we do not pay attention, because we omit to develop the habit of evaluating and correcting “the tiny alterations” of our thoughts moment to moment.” Goodness is no accident. Perhaps personal improvement is like putting our flaws on the shelf of selfhood. (<-- please read that phrase out loud. It makes me smile.) Perhaps selfhood is all our stuff. If it is good (patience, courage, charitability, loyalty, integrity), it's because we've put it on the shelf. If it's bad (or not the best version: impatience, fear, miserliness, disloyalty, fraudulence) it's still on the floor. It's definitely is up to us to become who we want to be, but it will likely require some heavy lifting to get there.
But is selfhood found or discovered, as Morson seems to suggest the popular view is? Are we just realizing our destiny when we've put our stuff on the shelf? We can only reach our full potential, not alter it. However, we can decrease our potential. Elder Richard G. Scott said, "Every decision you make is narrowing your future" (To Acquire Knowledge and the Strength to Use It Wisely Brigham Young University 23 January 2001). So I guess it's a personal goal to narrow my destiny toward the positive destinations.
Now that I've just taken a lap around the the mental track, I'll just say that I'm grateful for the opportunity for personal improvement. Knowing that I've gotten a characteristic onto the edge of the shelf of selfhood is one of the most satisfying things I have ever felt, and makes the long tedious journey worth it.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Fear
Today is the day that I finally address the topic that has plagued me for the past year-and-a-couple-of-months. Those of you who know me well are probably very familiar with the topic: fear.
I used to believe that if I absolutely knew inspiration was from God, that I'd have know issues following it. I came to realize that wasn't quite true. I'd feel prompted to go talk to people--and then I'd avoid them. I'd feel prompted to write a note to somebody--and then talk myself out of it. Good job self :p. One of the overarching goals of my life is to be a servant in the hands of the Lord, but how am I supposed to do that if I can't do the simple things?
This tragic (yet crucial) realization happened in the spring of 2010. In the summer of the same year I decided to go home for the term. I thought I'd be able to work at my old job, because we'd spoken with the manager and she said she was pretty sure the new owner would be okay with that. To make a medium length story short, it didn't happen.
In the fall of 2010 I found out the manager had intentionally not called me back because she thought I'd be scared of the new owner. I didn't like that I didn't have an income for the summer, but even more, I didn't like the fact that I seemed to radiate the spirit of a timid individual. I thought to myself Self, that's got to change. The next week in one of my religion classes we had a lesson on fear. My professor said things like Fearing individuals cannot do their own work well, and they cannot do the Lord's work at all. Scriptures like 1 John 4:18 kept rolling around in my head, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." I realized that here was something that I could really work on to become the kind of person I desire to be.
I thought of the different aspects of my life (intellectual, physical, emotional, spiritual, and social) and decided to think of something to conquer for each one. For intellectual, I finally declared my major and embraced the foreign language requirement. For physical, I donated blood. That is a story within itself, so I'll save that for another (maybe the next) post. I'm constantly working on social fears (oh the adventures of being socially bi-polar :p) For emotional, I was prepared to tell the man of my dreams that I was madly in love with him, but then I ended up killing my emotions, and I still haven't fully recovered them (another excellent story). And I figured that the overall purpose of the goal was spiritual, so that counted for that aspect. I keep thinking that it will get easier, but some things never do. When I give blood, I don't cry anymore, but I do squirm a quite a bit. I still pull away from people I should talk to. I push 'add class' with a shaky mouse every semester for German. And I still haven't really accomplished a goal for conquering emotional fear, but strides have definitely been made. To keep improving it's gonna take much hard work and courage.
Courage. The thing I've worked so hard to gain, yet still it seems so elusive. As I mentioned to a friend yesterday, sometimes I have issues with things that I've been doing my whole life and it dampens my hope for personal improvement. I've been working on fear for a little over a year, and expect to improve significantly, yet sometimes I can't even gracefully get food into my mouth, which I've been working on for 20 years! I find hope in D&C 93:13 in which John describes the mortal progression of the Savior. "He received not of the fulness at first, but continued from grace to grace, until he received a fulness." The definition of grace being "divine means of help or strength; enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts" (Bible Dictionary). Christ improved through divine enabling power and then received a fulness. Because he is our ultimate example, I can follow the same pattern and also receive a fulness. In the Sermon on the Mount, He says, "Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness; for they shall be filled." I have been hungering and thirsting, and will continue to do so. I know that through this I will receive my fulness (fulness=wholeness=perfection? can somebody check my math on this?) I definitely won't finish in this life, but by this I should be able to reach my full potential (the limiting factor being time). Purdy exciting, eh? Fear doesn't stand a chance.
But here are a few last thoughts about fear (for now) It is not wrong to experience fear, but it is wrong to live in fear. Fear decreases personal power, and cannot come from God; he rules by love, not fear. A good goal for anybody: never let fear stop you from doing something you should be doing. Das Ende.
I used to believe that if I absolutely knew inspiration was from God, that I'd have know issues following it. I came to realize that wasn't quite true. I'd feel prompted to go talk to people--and then I'd avoid them. I'd feel prompted to write a note to somebody--and then talk myself out of it. Good job self :p. One of the overarching goals of my life is to be a servant in the hands of the Lord, but how am I supposed to do that if I can't do the simple things?
This tragic (yet crucial) realization happened in the spring of 2010. In the summer of the same year I decided to go home for the term. I thought I'd be able to work at my old job, because we'd spoken with the manager and she said she was pretty sure the new owner would be okay with that. To make a medium length story short, it didn't happen.
In the fall of 2010 I found out the manager had intentionally not called me back because she thought I'd be scared of the new owner. I didn't like that I didn't have an income for the summer, but even more, I didn't like the fact that I seemed to radiate the spirit of a timid individual. I thought to myself Self, that's got to change. The next week in one of my religion classes we had a lesson on fear. My professor said things like Fearing individuals cannot do their own work well, and they cannot do the Lord's work at all. Scriptures like 1 John 4:18 kept rolling around in my head, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." I realized that here was something that I could really work on to become the kind of person I desire to be.
 |
| My mom conquering her fear by letting me drive :p |
I thought of the different aspects of my life (intellectual, physical, emotional, spiritual, and social) and decided to think of something to conquer for each one. For intellectual, I finally declared my major and embraced the foreign language requirement. For physical, I donated blood. That is a story within itself, so I'll save that for another (maybe the next) post. I'm constantly working on social fears (oh the adventures of being socially bi-polar :p) For emotional, I was prepared to tell the man of my dreams that I was madly in love with him, but then I ended up killing my emotions, and I still haven't fully recovered them (another excellent story). And I figured that the overall purpose of the goal was spiritual, so that counted for that aspect. I keep thinking that it will get easier, but some things never do. When I give blood, I don't cry anymore, but I do squirm a quite a bit. I still pull away from people I should talk to. I push 'add class' with a shaky mouse every semester for German. And I still haven't really accomplished a goal for conquering emotional fear, but strides have definitely been made. To keep improving it's gonna take much hard work and courage.
 |
| Danielle conquering her fear of touching raw meat |
Courage. The thing I've worked so hard to gain, yet still it seems so elusive. As I mentioned to a friend yesterday, sometimes I have issues with things that I've been doing my whole life and it dampens my hope for personal improvement. I've been working on fear for a little over a year, and expect to improve significantly, yet sometimes I can't even gracefully get food into my mouth, which I've been working on for 20 years! I find hope in D&C 93:13 in which John describes the mortal progression of the Savior. "He received not of the fulness at first, but continued from grace to grace, until he received a fulness." The definition of grace being "divine means of help or strength; enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts" (Bible Dictionary). Christ improved through divine enabling power and then received a fulness. Because he is our ultimate example, I can follow the same pattern and also receive a fulness. In the Sermon on the Mount, He says, "Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness; for they shall be filled." I have been hungering and thirsting, and will continue to do so. I know that through this I will receive my fulness (fulness=wholeness=perfection? can somebody check my math on this?) I definitely won't finish in this life, but by this I should be able to reach my full potential (the limiting factor being time). Purdy exciting, eh? Fear doesn't stand a chance.
But here are a few last thoughts about fear (for now) It is not wrong to experience fear, but it is wrong to live in fear. Fear decreases personal power, and cannot come from God; he rules by love, not fear. A good goal for anybody: never let fear stop you from doing something you should be doing. Das Ende.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Year in Review and Preview
2011 was awesome! School was awesome, work was awesome, friends were awesome.
In short, life was awesome.
In long, school was awesome because I took some really great classes that helped me develop my intellect, spirit, and character. Semantics (and other ELang classes) taught me the beauty of language especially words. Persuasive Writing improved my communication skills, brought me confidence in my writing abilities, and made me aware of my gift for and love of editing papers. Writings of Isaiah opened my mind to the many treasures of the Book of Isaiah and became the jumping point for what I hope will be a lifetime of productive Isaiah study (among other things). Mission Prep blew my mind (and I'm stopping at that, because I'll write several posts about stuff I learned in that class later :D)
Work was awesome for so many reasons. I became a captain--a bold move on the part of the people up top, 'cause I'm purdy shy sometimes, and don't really take charge unless I'm told to. I learned how to delegate and, in short, make good things happen. No two events are ever quite the same, which makes things a challenge; I like that because it keeps me on my toes. I like that they let me drive a truck. They trust me with vehicles more than my mom does, although that's probably wisdom on my mom's part ;) I get to serve cool people; this year includes four of my professors, Brad Wilcox, the First Lady of Honduras, Cecil O. Samuelson, Sheri Dew, Elder Richard G. Hinckley, and Elder L. Tom Perry. Coworkers say the nicest things to me every time I work, and at least pretend to like the ridiculous songs I write about catering. I get to work with some of the finest people there are, and they make my life wonderful.
I've made some really great friends; friends that baby sit me while I'm homeless, friends who I can philosophize with, friends who take me on fantastic hikes, friends who buy and eat starbursts just to give me the wrappers, friends who play soccer with me, friends who think it's a privilege to take me to Wal-mart at 11:40 on a Saturday night, friends who enjoy eating grilled cheese sandwiches and watching the lightning with me, friends who leave me nice notes all the time, friends who pick me up just because they made bacon and want to share, friends who get my keys when I leave them at the airport, friends who like my awkward hugs, friends who pick me up from work just so we can sit in the parking lot to watch the snow, friends who anonymously leave cookies on my doorstep with reference to 'even days', friends who always make me laugh, friends who share awkward dance parties in the kitchen with me, friends who join me in wearing sunglasses during work meetings, friends who romantically eat cake with me, friends who sing in the boys bathroom with me, friends who take me to the temple, friends who graciously overlook my numerous flaws, and friends who encourage me to be the best I can be, simply from their examples. I'm in awe of the amazing people that I am surrounded by, and hope to be able to deserve their friendship someday.
Other Adventures
In short, life was awesome.
In long, school was awesome because I took some really great classes that helped me develop my intellect, spirit, and character. Semantics (and other ELang classes) taught me the beauty of language especially words. Persuasive Writing improved my communication skills, brought me confidence in my writing abilities, and made me aware of my gift for and love of editing papers. Writings of Isaiah opened my mind to the many treasures of the Book of Isaiah and became the jumping point for what I hope will be a lifetime of productive Isaiah study (among other things). Mission Prep blew my mind (and I'm stopping at that, because I'll write several posts about stuff I learned in that class later :D)
Work was awesome for so many reasons. I became a captain--a bold move on the part of the people up top, 'cause I'm purdy shy sometimes, and don't really take charge unless I'm told to. I learned how to delegate and, in short, make good things happen. No two events are ever quite the same, which makes things a challenge; I like that because it keeps me on my toes. I like that they let me drive a truck. They trust me with vehicles more than my mom does, although that's probably wisdom on my mom's part ;) I get to serve cool people; this year includes four of my professors, Brad Wilcox, the First Lady of Honduras, Cecil O. Samuelson, Sheri Dew, Elder Richard G. Hinckley, and Elder L. Tom Perry. Coworkers say the nicest things to me every time I work, and at least pretend to like the ridiculous songs I write about catering. I get to work with some of the finest people there are, and they make my life wonderful.
 |
| Awkward hugs with Danielle |
 |
| Epic hikes with Tracy |
Other Adventures
 |
| Justin and Jordan at Tuacahn |
- Learned how to ice skate
- Learned German (sort of :p)
- Figured out my life for the next 3ish years
- Recorded my first song (plus a few others)
- Got to be a bridesmaid for the first time
- Wrote successful musical parodies about catering and counterfeit drugs
- Went real rock climbing
- Only ate desserts on even days (mostly ;)
- Wrote a song
- Learned how to play racquetball
- Played 'Darktimate Frisbee'
- Caught my sister's bouquet
- Modeled for an artist
 |
| Victor |
- Reached the semi-finals for intramural kickball
- Became a Barbie for 'Toy Story'--47th ward edition
- Listened to Mark Zuckerburg (which means 'sugar mountain' auf Deutsch!) and Condoleeza Rice
- Kept a pet butterfly named Victor (and yes, he was a boy, despite what Danielle would have you believe)
- Developed a taste for Cabbage and Zucchini
- Became a clone slave
- Went to Tuacahn to see "Grease" and finally saw "Aida"
- Traveled to Arizona (a 10 hr drive) and only took a ten minute break. (Courtney's a beast!)
- Got my first boyfriend that wasn't made of wood (but he might've been a dog...)
- Gave blood 3 times (without crying!)
So what now? I just completed the best year ever, so it's time to top it!
My overarching, painfully general "New Years Resoluion" is to work harder and love stronger.
I've got sub goals under each one but I wont go into detail, 'cause that'd take for flippin' ever. But here're the basics
Work Harder
- Develop personal accountability
- Exercise more regularly
- Serve more (regarding community and ancestors, and other dead folks)
- Develop diligence and consistancy (regarding school work and character)
Love Stronger
- Continue in my quest to conquer fear (see 1 John 4:18)
- Serve more (regarding friends and associates)
- Become a creator rather than a critic
I ain't no fortune teller, but this is what I expect to happen within the next year. I'll conquer some excellent classes (German, Modern American Usage (of English), New Testament, Short Story, and History 1500-present), get my wisdom teeth out, leave on a mission, and have many many other adventures. Leben ist gut :D
Happiness is not a product of circumstance.
Some simply endure the journey
Some find joy in the journey
And some make joy in their journey
It is in our power to make this year successful, and that's what we'll aim to do!
Happy New Year!
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