Thoughts on Rejection

Today I spent a few hours drafting rejection letters for a publishing company. It made me feel kinda bad. Here are these people who have put their heart and soul into a manuscript and here I am to crush their dreams.

It made me think back to the heart break I had previously experienced because of rejections. I was rejected by the soccer teams I really wanted to play for. I was rejected from every single choir or band that I auditioned for. I’ve been rejected by a vast majority of the jobs and internships I’ve applied for. I’ve been rejected by every man I’ve ever expressed interest in.

It was all very devastating. It made me question my self-worth. It made me question my self-image, because I knew I was good enough for many of these positions. It even made me question my identity sometimes.

So now, as the person rejecting things, here is some perspective:

1.  It’s not failure if you don’t “fit the bill.” Some of the manuscripts I reviewed today were fantastic; well-researched, well presented, engaging, smart. But not what people—not what our readers—would be willing to spend money on. Some other publishing company might gladly pick it up. And it only takes one willing publisher. Similarly, you may not be the missing piece for a puzzle for a company you’re applying for. You will be for some other company.
2.  Sometimes “no” means “not right now.” Sometimes the timing simply isn’t right. Markets change: maybe we could sell your book in five years. People change. Needs change. If you aren’t the right person now, maybe you will be next month.
3. Self-evaluation is important. We’ve all seen clips of people on “American Idol” or the like in which some auditions are simply horrific. I read submissions that are absolutely terrible. Maybe that’s us! We need to take a step back and take a real good look at things. It’s not always “them” sometimes it really is us.
4. Be willing to change. We will be rejected. And it will be painful. And it will all be a complete waste if we aren’t willing to learn from it.
5. Expand your perspective. If your book doesn’t get published, life continues. If you don’t get your dream job, life continues. If the boy you love doesn’t love you back, someone better will come along. Most of what happens in your life is of little consequence: what you do because of it defines who you are.
6. Yo-Yo Ma is probably a terrible soccer player. That’s what I’ve told myself for years when I’d get frustrated because I’m not good at everything. We are typically good at the things we spend time doing. If you want to be better at something, put time into it.
7. Lacking natural talent is okay. If we want to succeed at things that do not come naturally, we may just need to work harder than others would to have success. Let me illustrate: for most of my soccer career I played keeper, and unfortunately, nobody likes a vertically challenged, quiet keeper. Lofty shots were very difficult to stop and I had a hard time directing my team the way a keeper was expected to. Anybody that was taller or louder had more potential than I did. I could have chosen a different position. But I wanted to be a keeper. I received specialized training to stop high shots. My coaches even had me practice yelling so my team could hear me. I struggled. But I got pretty good.
8.  Most of our rejections are not eternally significant. Nearly eight years ago, I got cut from my high school soccer team. I was absolutely devastated. I had failed at something I’d been working toward for my entire life. Never have I felt so much pain. Never have I shed so many tears for so many months. Does it matter now? Not really. I still tear up when I think about it, but my life now is probably exactly how it would have been even if I had made the team.

But there are some successes that do matter, where if we don’t succeed our life really will have been a waste. But the beautiful thing about those ones is that the ball is always in our court. The thought, opinions, and actions of others have absolutely no bearing on the ultimate success of our lives. There is nobody that we need to be better than and nothing that can prevent us if we have decided it’s what we want and act accordingly.

When you are rejected, don’t fret. Remember which successes actually are significant and adjust your efforts accordingly.

We are here to learn and grow.

We are not here to fail in our ultimate goals.

Changing Default Settings

Soooo, I was reflecting on some goals that I'd made for last winter semester that turned into goals for the year. I did really well on one of them, did really well on another one for a good chunk of the year, and did more poorly than I would have hoped on the other two.

But here's a thought that I am hoping will govern my actions the following year:

I’m a pretty good person, especially when I’m well-fed, when people are nice to me, when I’m healthy, when I’m not under a lot of pressure, and when life is just going smoothly. But so is everybody else.

But what are my default settings?

Let me illustrate what I mean by default settings. I haven’t been skiing for several years, but when I did go, I used the plow style that beginners use. Sometimes I would go on the bunny slope to try to work up to parallel skiing. I’d go back up to the bigger slopes, begin parallel skiing and then switch back to the plow when the path got steep or icy. The plow is my default—it’s what I do when the going gets rough.

Changing our default settings is difficult business that requires dedication and discipline, and most of all, desire.

Let’s all be nice, even when people aren’t nice to us. Let’s think of others even when we’re tired, hungry, or sick. Let’s be understanding, even if we feel misunderstood. Why? Because that is what Jesus would do. And that is what will bring us the most satisfying form of happiness.

When this life is over it will just be us: not the company we founded, not the friends we made, not stuff we acquired, but just who we've become. What our default mode is.

So that's will be my overarching goal for the year--make my default mode a little bit better.

Let's all take control of our lives and intentionally make 2016 the best year ever by being our best selves the world has seen.