Changing Default Settings

Soooo, I was reflecting on some goals that I'd made for last winter semester that turned into goals for the year. I did really well on one of them, did really well on another one for a good chunk of the year, and did more poorly than I would have hoped on the other two.

But here's a thought that I am hoping will govern my actions the following year:

I’m a pretty good person, especially when I’m well-fed, when people are nice to me, when I’m healthy, when I’m not under a lot of pressure, and when life is just going smoothly. But so is everybody else.

But what are my default settings?

Let me illustrate what I mean by default settings. I haven’t been skiing for several years, but when I did go, I used the plow style that beginners use. Sometimes I would go on the bunny slope to try to work up to parallel skiing. I’d go back up to the bigger slopes, begin parallel skiing and then switch back to the plow when the path got steep or icy. The plow is my default—it’s what I do when the going gets rough.

Changing our default settings is difficult business that requires dedication and discipline, and most of all, desire.

Let’s all be nice, even when people aren’t nice to us. Let’s think of others even when we’re tired, hungry, or sick. Let’s be understanding, even if we feel misunderstood. Why? Because that is what Jesus would do. And that is what will bring us the most satisfying form of happiness.

When this life is over it will just be us: not the company we founded, not the friends we made, not stuff we acquired, but just who we've become. What our default mode is.

So that's will be my overarching goal for the year--make my default mode a little bit better.

Let's all take control of our lives and intentionally make 2016 the best year ever by being our best selves the world has seen.

Reflections of a Mission.

"The attitude you have toward your mission experience is a reflection of your love toward your Heavenly Father and His Son."

This statement from Preach My Gospel (the training manual for missionaries) was one that haunted me in the early stages of my mission.

I can remember a conference we had in which another missionary who was in the final weeks of his mission shared his testimony. He said something like, "A lot of people say that serving a mission is a sacrifice. Serving a mission IS NOT a sacrifice."

I thought a lot about that. How could it not be a sacrifice? How could hitting the pause button on my life not be a sacrifice? How could leaving some of the best friends I'd ever had, with the knowledge that I'd never see some of them again, not be a sacrifice? How could leaving the life I absolutely loved, in exchange for doing things I hate doing everyday, not be a sacrifice?

At the beginning of my experience, I was more sad than I could ever remember being. I had been used to skipping through my days of sunshine, fun, and friends. And now I dragged myself through the rain, drudgery, and emotional pain. There's nothing like spending your days trying to talk to a bunch of people who don't want to talk to you, in a city where you don't know anybody, and in a situation where you don't have your normal methods of coping available.

On the other side, I can fully agree that serving a mission is not a sacrifice. Helping people find the way to find the most satisfying and lasting form of happiness is the best way to find it for yourself.

I'm not going to pretend that it wasn't really hard to get to work every single day. I'm not going to pretend that there weren't disappointments everyday.

But I do know that there must be sorrow to really understand joy. And I do know that that joy is worth the greatest price. And I do know that as we strive to be more obedient--as we strive sacrifice more for the sake of righteousness--that there will be even greater joy.

When we watched General Conference (when the prophet and apostles speak) I had the question in mind: "What do I need to sacrifice to have greater success in my calling as a missionary?" The question was answered clearly. Multiple times, they talked about the rich young ruler that came to Christ to ask what he needed to do to better follow Him. He responded that he needed to give up everything he had to follow him. And the young man wouldn't do it.

Earlier in my mission, I felt like I had given everything. But I hadn't yet. I clung to my understandings. I clung to my pride. I clung to my comfort zone. He asks us to give up everything and I was still clinging to these treasured possessions.

I won't say that I completely got rid of my pride, or the other things that held me back, but I sure tried. I set specific goals and held myself accountable to those goals geared to help me overcome my weaknesses. And I saw miracles.

And that is the Gospel of Jesus Christ
Faith in Christ: Belief in Christ motivates us to act accordingly. Don't just believe in Christ, but believe Christ. If we truly believe Him, we'll do our absolute best to keep His commandments
Repentance: Changing ourselves to be more in line with His commandments.
Baptism/Sacrament: Making/keeping a promise with God to 1)follow Him 2) keep His commandments. In return we are cleansed from our sins and are promised His spirit to be with us all the time. We take the sacrament as often as possible to renew that promise we made when we were baptized and be cleansed again.
Gift of the Holy Ghost: The spirit is often equivalent to happiness. It's a feeling of peace. It brings clarity to our lives. It can be a voice of warning. It inspires us for what we need to do (what we need to give up) to be more like our Heavenly Father) In essence, everything the spirit does leads us to make this whole thing a process in our lives.

On my mission, I learned the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I experienced it. I know it is real, and is the only thing that gives our life meaning. For every sacrifice we make for this cause, He will make the reward worth it. From this side, I cannot say my mission was a sacrifice. What I have gained is better than anything I could ever give.

Missionary Woes ;)

My Not-so-lyrical Ode to Catering

My last shift at the job that's supported me for the past four years was about two weeks ago. And I miss it.

Hiding drinks from EFY kids...they'll think twice before they ask me to do ice again ;)

Catering was the reason for my burnt finger tips, the bloody lump on my head, bruised shins, sore feet and ripped jeans. Because of catering I enjoyed many long days on campus, sometimes up to 17 hours. Sometimes I found myself at the Wilk at 5:15am. Sometimes I'd be in the dish room 'til 2:30am. Sometimes I'd come in to do a rack-up at 1am because that was the only time I had to do it. Sometimes I'd work 9 hour shifts without a break (don't tell Donna!) Sometimes I would begin my day with work, then go to class, then go back to work, then back to class, then back to work, then go play soccer, and then come back to work to prepare for the next day. (What's this homework stuff I'm supposed to be doing?) One time I worked 7 shifts in two days with a solid 7+ hour shift for football the next day.

Me, Carissa, and Joyce with an impressively packed truck...and the end of a nine hour shift...that was longer than 9 hours...

If it weren't for me in catering, that glass pane in the Garden Court might not have been broken. That cement pillar by the JFSB would not have been knocked over. That girl's pants would not have been ripped by the plate cart.

The passover crew: Me, Terence, Jordan, Sarah, and Amber at Passover. Our spoons were so shiny :)

If it weren't for catering I probably would have starved, or at least died of scurvy.  I would never have been educated to the wonders of creme brulee or haggis. I would have never worked a "bar" or learned to tie (near) perfect bows or fold napkins several different "acceptable" ways.

Gettin' the band back together: Brady, Jokke, and Zack

If it weren't for catering I would never have refilled General Petraeus' water glass. If it weren't for catering I would have never had profound conversations (consisting solely of 'thank you' and 'you're welcome') with Presidents Beck or Wixom (among others). Elder Perry would never have made me feel awkward for not being married or wished me luck on my mission. I would have never poured President Monson's soup, or served Navajo Tacos at President Eyring's family reunion. I would have never had occasion to give President Uchtdorf a bagel. Cecil O. Samuelson would not know my name.

If it weren't for catering I wouldn't have many of my greatest friends--I discovered that about 15% of my Facebook friends have worked for catering. I would not have been featured on Asleep at BYU. The triad of catering songs would have never existed. And I would not have hundreds of stories that I have now that could never be done justice in a blog post.

The picture that made me famous ;)

Here's some favorite quotes.

Lorraine: My thoughts are in Portuguese...but I don't know Portuguese...which explains a lot, I guess.

Christian: Por favor, mantenga sus manos, brazos, pies, piernas y en el interior del vehiculo en todo momento. (or something like that)
Dave: Uhh, I'll have the spaghetti.

Terence: If you were diced onions would you rather be tonged or sp--...nevermind.

Me: I did the math and found that there are 3 girls to every guy at catering.
Terence: I like those odds.
Me: But you have a girlfriend...
Terence: Yes, but I'm Mormon.

"What's this broom doing here? I don't need it, I drove my car today."

 I bid catering a fond farewell. It's been a pleasure.

Year in Review 2012

It's been a while since my last post, but here's to renewed intentions, eh?

It's been a fabulous year with many fabulous new friends made, many experiences shared, and much knowledge gained. Here are some of the highlights:

Intramurals! I had the fabulous opportunity to captain a volleyball team that made it to the finals, as well as a kickball team that made it to the quarter-finals of the upper division (that means I had one of the top 8 kickball teams at BYU!) I also played some basketball, soccer, and ultimate frisbee. Most important, were my amazing teammates: I got to play with some of the greatest people I have ever met.

My ninja training began to pay off! One morning at the beginning of the year, I was riding my bike to school. I hate to admit that I was riding on the sidewalk, but the shoulder had piles of snow :p The sidewalks were also lightly dusted, which meant that I couldn't see exactly where the sidewalk met the grass. I went to maneuver around some people and went a little too far to the right. Right in front of these people, my bike jerked to the left, heading straight for the busy road. The thought I'm going to die went through my head. Motivated by adrenalin, my arm wrapped around the conveniently placed light post at the edge of the sidewalk. I swung off the bike and onto my feet. The bike was safe, I was safe, and the onlookers were impressed. And then I couldn't lift my arm above my head for the next two days. Ninjas have rough lives.

I touched more important people's food! I had the wonderful opportunity to serve food to Elder Perry, Elder Nelson, President Julie B. Beck, Sister Thompson, Sister Allred, Elder Bruce D. Porter, Elder Paul V. Johnson, the First Lady of Honduras (as well as several ambassadors from various countries). I'm pretty sure President Samuelson knows my name by now too, because I get to feed him so often. I also got to serve at President Eyring's family reunion/50 year wedding anniversary. There's nothing quite like having the knowledge that you touched a servant of the Lord's navajo taco ;)

Me in my cage at work.

I finally moved out of on-campus housing. I might just be growing up ;)

The wonderful girls I used to live with: Jill and Kate

The wonderful girls I live with: Allie, Julia, me, Courtney, Danielle

The wonderful boys I sort of live with: Back row: Jeff, Sean, Sean's lovely girlfriend Shelli, Michael, Kirkham, Front: Zack and Terence

The rest are pictures of other significant moments from my life this year, because I seemed to have more photographers in my life than before (or maybe just more Megan ;)

Broke campus. With a truck.

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Learned how to cut hair! I first cut my own hair and then brave souls let me experiment on theirs. Here's a shout-out to Courtney, Zack, Jonathan, Jordan, Natalie, and my dad for their bravery in trusting me enough with their appearances.

Played Uno EVERYWHERE

Met the child of my dear former roommate Kamie

Played with fire. A lot.

Added new meaning to the phrase "Happy Easter"

Choreographed a dance number. And gave love a bad name.

Had my first out of Utah college road-trip. Zack and Terence and I went to Huntington Beach, Downtown Disney, and Hollywood. And played cards on the beach. Naturally.

Became an aunt to a beautiful little girl.

Here's my niece Leah <3

Discovered my passion for duck catching.

Went on an epic adventure to find pizza that resulted in finding an awesome 'Mexican Seafood' place.

Enjoyed my first all night "Book of Mormon Read-a-thon" And consequently "slept-in" past noon for the first time ever.

Enjoyed a significant number of car trips in trunks, or across laps, or in trunks that weren't really trunks...

Had my acting/dancing debut as a fate in the 125 Ward's production of Hercules.

And won an award for best facial hair. Unfortunately no award for being creepy.

Played my geetar for food.

This is Zack and me at Creeps. Usually we get the words right, but sometimes we struggle.

I give up (for now) on trying to predict what the future holds. However, this next year I hope to learn how to format blog posts for a more non-awkward appearance. More realistically, I hope to actively continue my battle against fear, begin one against apathy, and press onward for love (not necessarily the romantic kind, but if that's what's in store, so be it ;). Happiest and productivest ( <--hey look! I made a new word) of new years to all!

Philosophical Rock, Paper, Scissors :)

One of the the things I've thought a lot about for the past few months is the eternal nature of our character. How much of who we are now were we before we came to earth? Are we truly capable of becoming anything we want? How much of what we are to become is predestined?

This is just the simple product of my thoughts thus far. Please feel free to comment and leave your own thoughts.

Let's say that I was told by a reliable source that I was loyal prior to my birth, and I like to think that I still am and will always be. Additionally, let's say that I was given a positive disposition as a reward for loyalty, so that wasn't really developed or part of my eternal nature.

That being said, there are many things to be considered. First of all, was that loyalty eternal, or was it developed premortally? "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" states, "In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life." This leads me to believe that there was decision, and thus progression prior to earth life. Otherwise, why should I be rewarded for a natural predisposition toward loyalty?

Of course, if that's all true, then we would have all started out as baseless beings with only a desire to do better. But where would the desire have come from? My guess is experience. We found we'd have a more satisfying experience if we developed positive characteristics. For example, one feels much better if they forgive their sister than holding a grudge for the rest of their lives. Which presents the idea that we improved out of pure self-interest. However, I like to think that personal gain is not enough motivation to do the things that will make us the happiest. But love is. Because the feeling of love is a fruit of the action of love, we naturally learned to do good things out of love for others rather than out of love for ourselves...and this really hasn't gone where I initially intended it to, but I'll leave it like this anyway...

Back on track: Gary Saul Morson poses the question, "What if selfhood, like all forms of order and unity, is not discovered, but made?"
All forms of order and unity? Mess is natural. Evil is natural. We have to work to put things away on a shelf. They can diffuse (almost) on their own. Cleanliness is no accident. Morson says, "“Evil happens not because we subconsciously wish it, but simply because we do not pay attention, because we omit to develop the habit of evaluating and correcting “the tiny alterations” of our thoughts moment to moment.” Goodness is no accident. Perhaps personal improvement is like putting our flaws on the shelf of selfhood. (<-- please read that phrase out loud. It makes me smile.) Perhaps selfhood is all our stuff. If it is good (patience, courage, charitability, loyalty, integrity), it's because we've put it on the shelf. If it's bad (or not the best version: impatience, fear, miserliness, disloyalty, fraudulence) it's still on the floor. It's definitely is up to us to become who we want to be, but it will likely require some heavy lifting to get there.


But is selfhood found or discovered, as Morson seems to suggest the popular view is? Are we just realizing our destiny when we've put our stuff on the shelf? We can only reach our full potential, not alter it. However, we can decrease our potential. Elder Richard G. Scott said, "Every decision you make is narrowing your future" (To Acquire Knowledge and the Strength to Use It Wisely Brigham Young University 23 January 2001). So I guess it's a personal goal to narrow my destiny toward the positive destinations.

Now that I've just taken a lap around the the mental track, I'll just say that I'm grateful for the opportunity for personal improvement. Knowing that I've gotten a characteristic onto the edge of the shelf of selfhood is one of the most satisfying things I have ever felt, and makes the long tedious journey worth it.

Fear

Today is the day that I finally address the topic that has plagued me for the past year-and-a-couple-of-months. Those of you who know me well are probably very familiar with the topic: fear.

I used to believe that if I absolutely knew inspiration was from God, that I'd have know issues following it. I came to realize that wasn't quite true. I'd feel prompted to go talk to people--and then I'd avoid them. I'd feel prompted to write a note to somebody--and then talk myself out of it. Good job self :p. One of the overarching goals of my life is to be a servant in the hands of the Lord, but how am I supposed to do that if I can't do the simple things?

This tragic (yet crucial) realization happened in the spring of 2010. In the summer of the same year I decided to go home for the term. I thought I'd be able to work at my old job, because we'd spoken with the manager and she said she was pretty sure the new owner would be okay with that. To make a medium length story short, it didn't happen.

In the fall of 2010 I found out the manager had intentionally not called me back because she thought I'd be scared of the new owner. I didn't like that I didn't have an income for the summer, but even more, I didn't  like the fact that I seemed to radiate the spirit of a timid individual. I thought to myself Self, that's got to change. The next week in one of my religion classes we had a lesson on fear. My professor said things like Fearing individuals cannot do their own work well, and they cannot do the Lord's work at all. Scriptures like 1 John 4:18 kept rolling around in my head, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." I realized that here was something that I could really work on to become the kind of person I desire to be.

My mom conquering her fear by letting me drive :p

I thought of the different aspects of my life (intellectual, physical, emotional, spiritual, and social) and decided to think of something to conquer for each one. For intellectual, I finally declared my major and embraced the foreign language requirement. For physical, I donated blood. That is a story within itself, so I'll save that for another (maybe the next) post. I'm constantly working on social fears (oh the adventures of being socially bi-polar :p) For emotional, I was prepared to tell the man of my dreams that I was madly in love with him, but then I ended up killing my emotions, and I still haven't fully recovered them (another excellent story). And I figured that the overall purpose of the goal was spiritual, so that counted for that aspect. I keep thinking that it will get easier, but some things never do. When I give blood, I don't cry anymore, but I do squirm a quite a bit. I still pull away from people I should talk to. I push 'add class' with a shaky mouse every semester for German. And I still haven't really accomplished a goal for conquering emotional fear, but strides have definitely been made. To keep improving it's gonna take much hard work and courage.

Danielle conquering her fear of touching raw meat

Courage. The thing I've worked so hard to gain, yet still it seems so elusive. As I mentioned to a friend yesterday, sometimes I have issues with things that I've been doing my whole life and it dampens my hope for personal improvement. I've been working on fear for a little over a year, and expect to improve significantly, yet sometimes I can't even gracefully get food into my mouth, which I've been working on for 20 years! I find hope in D&C 93:13 in which John describes the mortal progression of the Savior. "He received not of the fulness at first, but continued from grace to grace, until he received a fulness." The definition of grace being "divine means of help or strength; enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts" (Bible Dictionary). Christ improved through divine enabling power and then received a fulness. Because he is our ultimate example, I can follow the same pattern and also receive a fulness. In the Sermon on the Mount, He says, "Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness; for they shall be filled." I have been hungering and thirsting, and will continue to do so. I know that through this I will receive my fulness (fulness=wholeness=perfection? can somebody check my math on this?) I definitely won't finish in this life, but by this I should be able to reach my full potential (the limiting factor being time). Purdy exciting, eh? Fear doesn't stand a chance.

But here are a few last thoughts about fear (for now) It is not wrong to experience fear, but it is wrong to live in fear. Fear decreases personal power, and cannot come from God; he rules by love, not fear. A good goal for anybody: never let fear stop you from doing something you should be doing. Das Ende.

Year in Review and Preview

2011 was awesome! School was awesome, work was awesome, friends were awesome.

In short, life was awesome.

In long, school was awesome because I took some really great classes that helped me develop my intellect, spirit, and character. Semantics (and other ELang classes) taught me the beauty of language especially words. Persuasive Writing improved my communication skills, brought me confidence in my writing abilities, and  made me aware of my gift for and love of editing papers. Writings of Isaiah opened my mind to the many treasures of the Book of Isaiah and became the jumping point for what I hope will be a lifetime of productive Isaiah study (among other things). Mission Prep blew my mind (and I'm stopping at that, because I'll write several posts about stuff I learned in that class later :D)

Work was awesome for so many reasons. I became a captain--a bold move on the part of the people up top, 'cause I'm purdy shy sometimes, and don't really take charge unless I'm told to. I learned how to delegate and, in short, make good things happen. No two events are ever quite the same, which makes things a challenge; I like that because it keeps me on my toes. I like that they let me drive a truck. They trust me with vehicles more than my mom does, although that's probably wisdom on my mom's part ;) I get to serve cool people; this year includes four of my professors, Brad Wilcox, the First Lady of Honduras, Cecil O. Samuelson, Sheri Dew, Elder Richard G. Hinckley, and Elder L. Tom Perry. Coworkers say the nicest things to me every time I work, and at least pretend to like the ridiculous songs I write about catering. I get to work with some of the finest people there are, and they make my life wonderful.

Awkward hugs with Danielle

Epic hikes with Tracy

I've made some really great friends; friends that baby sit me while I'm homeless, friends who I can philosophize with, friends who take me on fantastic hikes, friends who buy and eat starbursts just to give me the wrappers, friends who play soccer with me, friends who think it's a privilege to take me to Wal-mart at 11:40 on a Saturday night, friends who enjoy eating grilled cheese sandwiches and watching the lightning with me,  friends who leave me nice notes all the time, friends who pick me up just because they made bacon and want to share, friends who get my keys when I leave them at the airport, friends who like my awkward hugs, friends who pick me up from work just so we can sit in the parking lot to watch the snow,  friends who anonymously leave cookies on my doorstep with reference to 'even days', friends who always make me laugh, friends who share awkward dance parties in the kitchen with me, friends who join me in wearing sunglasses during work meetings, friends who romantically eat cake with me, friends who sing in the boys bathroom with me, friends who take me to the temple, friends who graciously overlook my numerous flaws, and friends who encourage me to be the best I can be, simply from their examples. I'm in awe of the amazing people that I am surrounded by, and hope to be able to deserve their friendship someday.

Other Adventures

Justin and Jordan at Tuacahn

• Learned how to ice skate
• Learned German (sort of :p)
• Figured out my life for the next 3ish years
• Recorded my first song (plus a few others)
• Got to be a bridesmaid for the first time
• Wrote successful musical parodies about catering and counterfeit drugs
• Went real rock climbing
• Only ate desserts on even days (mostly ;)
• Wrote a song
• Learned how to play racquetball
• Played 'Darktimate Frisbee'
• Caught my sister's bouquet 
• Modeled for an artist

Victor

• Reached the semi-finals for intramural kickball
• Became a Barbie for 'Toy Story'--47th ward edition
• Listened to Mark Zuckerburg (which means 'sugar mountain' auf Deutsch!) and Condoleeza Rice
• Kept a pet butterfly named Victor (and yes, he was a boy, despite what Danielle would have you believe)

• Developed a taste for Cabbage and Zucchini
• Became a clone slave
• Went to Tuacahn to see "Grease" and finally saw "Aida"
• Traveled to Arizona (a 10 hr drive) and only took a ten minute break. (Courtney's a beast!)
• Got my first boyfriend that wasn't made of wood (but he might've been a dog...)
• Gave blood 3 times (without crying!)

So what now? I just completed the best year ever, so it's time to top it!

My overarching, painfully general "New Years Resoluion" is to work harder and love stronger.

I've got sub goals under each one but I wont go into detail, 'cause that'd take for flippin' ever. But here're the basics

Work Harder

• Develop personal accountability
• Exercise more regularly
• Serve more (regarding community and ancestors, and other dead folks)
• Develop diligence and consistancy (regarding school work and character)

Love Stronger

• Continue in my quest to conquer fear (see 1 John 4:18)
• Serve more (regarding friends and associates)
• Become a creator rather than a critic

I ain't no fortune teller, but this is what I expect to happen within the next year. I'll conquer some excellent classes (German, Modern American Usage (of English), New Testament, Short Story, and History 1500-present), get my wisdom teeth out, leave on a mission, and have many many other adventures. Leben ist gut :D

Happiness is not a product of circumstance. 

Some simply endure the journey

Some find joy in the journey

And some make joy in their journey

It is in our power to make this year successful, and that's what we'll aim to do!

Happy New Year!