Philosophical Rock, Paper, Scissors :)

One of the the things I've thought a lot about for the past few months is the eternal nature of our character. How much of who we are now were we before we came to earth? Are we truly capable of becoming anything we want? How much of what we are to become is predestined?

This is just the simple product of my thoughts thus far. Please feel free to comment and leave your own thoughts.

Let's say that I was told by a reliable source that I was loyal prior to my birth, and I like to think that I still am and will always be. Additionally, let's say that I was given a positive disposition as a reward for loyalty, so that wasn't really developed or part of my eternal nature.

That being said, there are many things to be considered. First of all, was that loyalty eternal, or was it developed premortally? "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" states, "In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life." This leads me to believe that there was decision, and thus progression prior to earth life. Otherwise, why should I be rewarded for a natural predisposition toward loyalty?

Of course, if that's all true, then we would have all started out as baseless beings with only a desire to do better. But where would the desire have come from? My guess is experience. We found we'd have a more satisfying experience if we developed positive characteristics. For example, one feels much better if they forgive their sister than holding a grudge for the rest of their lives. Which presents the idea that we improved out of pure self-interest. However, I like to think that personal gain is not enough motivation to do the things that will make us the happiest. But love is. Because the feeling of love is a fruit of the action of love, we naturally learned to do good things out of love for others rather than out of love for ourselves...and this really hasn't gone where I initially intended it to, but I'll leave it like this anyway...

Back on track: Gary Saul Morson poses the question, "What if selfhood, like all forms of order and unity, is not discovered, but made?"
All forms of order and unity? Mess is natural. Evil is natural. We have to work to put things away on a shelf. They can diffuse (almost) on their own. Cleanliness is no accident. Morson says, "“Evil happens not because we subconsciously wish it, but simply because we do not pay attention, because we omit to develop the habit of evaluating and correcting “the tiny alterations” of our thoughts moment to moment.” Goodness is no accident. Perhaps personal improvement is like putting our flaws on the shelf of selfhood. (<-- please read that phrase out loud. It makes me smile.) Perhaps selfhood is all our stuff. If it is good (patience, courage, charitability, loyalty, integrity), it's because we've put it on the shelf. If it's bad (or not the best version: impatience, fear, miserliness, disloyalty, fraudulence) it's still on the floor. It's definitely is up to us to become who we want to be, but it will likely require some heavy lifting to get there.


But is selfhood found or discovered, as Morson seems to suggest the popular view is? Are we just realizing our destiny when we've put our stuff on the shelf? We can only reach our full potential, not alter it. However, we can decrease our potential. Elder Richard G. Scott said, "Every decision you make is narrowing your future" (To Acquire Knowledge and the Strength to Use It Wisely Brigham Young University 23 January 2001). So I guess it's a personal goal to narrow my destiny toward the positive destinations.

Now that I've just taken a lap around the the mental track, I'll just say that I'm grateful for the opportunity for personal improvement. Knowing that I've gotten a characteristic onto the edge of the shelf of selfhood is one of the most satisfying things I have ever felt, and makes the long tedious journey worth it.

Fear

Today is the day that I finally address the topic that has plagued me for the past year-and-a-couple-of-months. Those of you who know me well are probably very familiar with the topic: fear.

I used to believe that if I absolutely knew inspiration was from God, that I'd have know issues following it. I came to realize that wasn't quite true. I'd feel prompted to go talk to people--and then I'd avoid them. I'd feel prompted to write a note to somebody--and then talk myself out of it. Good job self :p. One of the overarching goals of my life is to be a servant in the hands of the Lord, but how am I supposed to do that if I can't do the simple things?

This tragic (yet crucial) realization happened in the spring of 2010. In the summer of the same year I decided to go home for the term. I thought I'd be able to work at my old job, because we'd spoken with the manager and she said she was pretty sure the new owner would be okay with that. To make a medium length story short, it didn't happen.

In the fall of 2010 I found out the manager had intentionally not called me back because she thought I'd be scared of the new owner. I didn't like that I didn't have an income for the summer, but even more, I didn't  like the fact that I seemed to radiate the spirit of a timid individual. I thought to myself Self, that's got to change. The next week in one of my religion classes we had a lesson on fear. My professor said things like Fearing individuals cannot do their own work well, and they cannot do the Lord's work at all. Scriptures like 1 John 4:18 kept rolling around in my head, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." I realized that here was something that I could really work on to become the kind of person I desire to be.

My mom conquering her fear by letting me drive :p

I thought of the different aspects of my life (intellectual, physical, emotional, spiritual, and social) and decided to think of something to conquer for each one. For intellectual, I finally declared my major and embraced the foreign language requirement. For physical, I donated blood. That is a story within itself, so I'll save that for another (maybe the next) post. I'm constantly working on social fears (oh the adventures of being socially bi-polar :p) For emotional, I was prepared to tell the man of my dreams that I was madly in love with him, but then I ended up killing my emotions, and I still haven't fully recovered them (another excellent story). And I figured that the overall purpose of the goal was spiritual, so that counted for that aspect. I keep thinking that it will get easier, but some things never do. When I give blood, I don't cry anymore, but I do squirm a quite a bit. I still pull away from people I should talk to. I push 'add class' with a shaky mouse every semester for German. And I still haven't really accomplished a goal for conquering emotional fear, but strides have definitely been made. To keep improving it's gonna take much hard work and courage.

Danielle conquering her fear of touching raw meat

Courage. The thing I've worked so hard to gain, yet still it seems so elusive. As I mentioned to a friend yesterday, sometimes I have issues with things that I've been doing my whole life and it dampens my hope for personal improvement. I've been working on fear for a little over a year, and expect to improve significantly, yet sometimes I can't even gracefully get food into my mouth, which I've been working on for 20 years! I find hope in D&C 93:13 in which John describes the mortal progression of the Savior. "He received not of the fulness at first, but continued from grace to grace, until he received a fulness." The definition of grace being "divine means of help or strength; enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts" (Bible Dictionary). Christ improved through divine enabling power and then received a fulness. Because he is our ultimate example, I can follow the same pattern and also receive a fulness. In the Sermon on the Mount, He says, "Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness; for they shall be filled." I have been hungering and thirsting, and will continue to do so. I know that through this I will receive my fulness (fulness=wholeness=perfection? can somebody check my math on this?) I definitely won't finish in this life, but by this I should be able to reach my full potential (the limiting factor being time). Purdy exciting, eh? Fear doesn't stand a chance.

But here are a few last thoughts about fear (for now) It is not wrong to experience fear, but it is wrong to live in fear. Fear decreases personal power, and cannot come from God; he rules by love, not fear. A good goal for anybody: never let fear stop you from doing something you should be doing. Das Ende.

Year in Review and Preview

2011 was awesome! School was awesome, work was awesome, friends were awesome.

In short, life was awesome.

In long, school was awesome because I took some really great classes that helped me develop my intellect, spirit, and character. Semantics (and other ELang classes) taught me the beauty of language especially words. Persuasive Writing improved my communication skills, brought me confidence in my writing abilities, and  made me aware of my gift for and love of editing papers. Writings of Isaiah opened my mind to the many treasures of the Book of Isaiah and became the jumping point for what I hope will be a lifetime of productive Isaiah study (among other things). Mission Prep blew my mind (and I'm stopping at that, because I'll write several posts about stuff I learned in that class later :D)

Work was awesome for so many reasons. I became a captain--a bold move on the part of the people up top, 'cause I'm purdy shy sometimes, and don't really take charge unless I'm told to. I learned how to delegate and, in short, make good things happen. No two events are ever quite the same, which makes things a challenge; I like that because it keeps me on my toes. I like that they let me drive a truck. They trust me with vehicles more than my mom does, although that's probably wisdom on my mom's part ;) I get to serve cool people; this year includes four of my professors, Brad Wilcox, the First Lady of Honduras, Cecil O. Samuelson, Sheri Dew, Elder Richard G. Hinckley, and Elder L. Tom Perry. Coworkers say the nicest things to me every time I work, and at least pretend to like the ridiculous songs I write about catering. I get to work with some of the finest people there are, and they make my life wonderful.

Awkward hugs with Danielle

Epic hikes with Tracy

I've made some really great friends; friends that baby sit me while I'm homeless, friends who I can philosophize with, friends who take me on fantastic hikes, friends who buy and eat starbursts just to give me the wrappers, friends who play soccer with me, friends who think it's a privilege to take me to Wal-mart at 11:40 on a Saturday night, friends who enjoy eating grilled cheese sandwiches and watching the lightning with me,  friends who leave me nice notes all the time, friends who pick me up just because they made bacon and want to share, friends who get my keys when I leave them at the airport, friends who like my awkward hugs, friends who pick me up from work just so we can sit in the parking lot to watch the snow,  friends who anonymously leave cookies on my doorstep with reference to 'even days', friends who always make me laugh, friends who share awkward dance parties in the kitchen with me, friends who join me in wearing sunglasses during work meetings, friends who romantically eat cake with me, friends who sing in the boys bathroom with me, friends who take me to the temple, friends who graciously overlook my numerous flaws, and friends who encourage me to be the best I can be, simply from their examples. I'm in awe of the amazing people that I am surrounded by, and hope to be able to deserve their friendship someday.

Other Adventures

Justin and Jordan at Tuacahn

• Learned how to ice skate
• Learned German (sort of :p)
• Figured out my life for the next 3ish years
• Recorded my first song (plus a few others)
• Got to be a bridesmaid for the first time
• Wrote successful musical parodies about catering and counterfeit drugs
• Went real rock climbing
• Only ate desserts on even days (mostly ;)
• Wrote a song
• Learned how to play racquetball
• Played 'Darktimate Frisbee'
• Caught my sister's bouquet 
• Modeled for an artist

Victor

• Reached the semi-finals for intramural kickball
• Became a Barbie for 'Toy Story'--47th ward edition
• Listened to Mark Zuckerburg (which means 'sugar mountain' auf Deutsch!) and Condoleeza Rice
• Kept a pet butterfly named Victor (and yes, he was a boy, despite what Danielle would have you believe)

• Developed a taste for Cabbage and Zucchini
• Became a clone slave
• Went to Tuacahn to see "Grease" and finally saw "Aida"
• Traveled to Arizona (a 10 hr drive) and only took a ten minute break. (Courtney's a beast!)
• Got my first boyfriend that wasn't made of wood (but he might've been a dog...)
• Gave blood 3 times (without crying!)

So what now? I just completed the best year ever, so it's time to top it!

My overarching, painfully general "New Years Resoluion" is to work harder and love stronger.

I've got sub goals under each one but I wont go into detail, 'cause that'd take for flippin' ever. But here're the basics

Work Harder

• Develop personal accountability
• Exercise more regularly
• Serve more (regarding community and ancestors, and other dead folks)
• Develop diligence and consistancy (regarding school work and character)

Love Stronger

• Continue in my quest to conquer fear (see 1 John 4:18)
• Serve more (regarding friends and associates)
• Become a creator rather than a critic

I ain't no fortune teller, but this is what I expect to happen within the next year. I'll conquer some excellent classes (German, Modern American Usage (of English), New Testament, Short Story, and History 1500-present), get my wisdom teeth out, leave on a mission, and have many many other adventures. Leben ist gut :D

Happiness is not a product of circumstance. 

Some simply endure the journey

Some find joy in the journey

And some make joy in their journey

It is in our power to make this year successful, and that's what we'll aim to do!

Happy New Year! 

My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee

Members of the LDS church--the messengers of the gospel of Jesus Christ--are often accused on not being followers of Christ. My heart burns when I read scriptures like 2 Nephi 25:26 ("And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ"), and think about those who don't understand our pure intentions and goals.

Last summer I spent a lot of time alone. Often when I'm alone I sing whatever song has been running through my head.  The song of the week was "I'm Trying to be Like Jesus." When I got to "I'm trying to love my neighbor, I'm learning to serve my friends" the words hit me like they never had before. Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ, love each of us no matter what we've done, and we are trying to follow that example. The commandment is not Thou shalt love thy neighbor unless they are annoying, or unless they smell bad, or unless they've offended us. We're asked to love our neighbors regardless of any of that. 

I often think back to a time near the end of high school. I had the opportunity to have a conversation with one of my favorite people. He had made a few stupid mistakes regarding the emotions of some of my other friends, and felt really bad about it. These other friends were and are still heavily involved in a good christian church, yet could not find it within themselves to forgive him. I didn't understand how they could claim to be such steadfast followers of Christ if they refused to follow in the footsteps of the master forgiver. He atoned to save even those who had killed him, for cryin' out loud! I made a mental note to make sure that I remembered to forgive people.

My soul aches when the prophet Joseph pleads, "O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?" Often we, or people we love, ask where God is hiding in times of trial. However, He promises us numerous times that he will never leave us. One of the most eloquent of these promises is Isaiah 54:10. He says, "For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee." It is my goal to echo that sentiment. In my efforts to be Christlike, I want my friends, neighbors, and associates to know that whatever they've done, my kindness shall not be removed from them. These words coming from my mouth cannot have the same level of comfort as when it comes from Heavenly Father or Christ, but I believe people will be blessed and I will become the nicest me I am capable of being. I figure, I make mistakes, so who am I not to forgive? Often I hear people say that if somebody is mean to you, it's acceptable to return the favor. However, I know that when I get angsty is when I need the most kindness. Part of a poem President Monson shared in conference two years ago is "But I never have yet felt a tinge of regret for being a little too kind." You can seldom go wrong by doing a genuinely kind deed, and sincere compliments always brighten one's day.

A brief side note/reminder--If we do everything Heavenly Father asks us to do, then everything works out for our good. That doesn't mean it works out to our immediate desire, however. Matthew 4:1 states, "Then was Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil." I'm sure being tempted of the Devil must've been a pleasant experience, eh? But, really, we are lead wherever we need to be to become the best people we are capable of becoming.

And remember, "Peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment." And no matter what "If You Could Hie to Kolob" would have you believe, there is an end; this too shall pass ;) "And then, if thou endure it well. God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes" (D&C 121:7-8).  This I believe with all my head and heart. The proof is all around.

And I love this vid. And I hope the three people who read this will also :)

One More Year :)

I turned 20 fairly recently. A few years back I worked with a guy who described to me what it was like to turn 20. He placed a red plastic cup on the counter, took a step back, and reached for the cup. He couldn't quite grasp it but he was almost there.
My red cup is a mission. I would very much like to go. I'd leave tomorrow if I could. Both of my siblings have been great examples to me by serving full-time missions

 

David at the MTC

Jen entering the MTC May '09

Jennifer left in May '08 to the Toronto East mission, while David left in September of the same year to the Manchester, New Hampshire mission. Neither of them would exchange their experience for anything in the world. However, people are often surprised when I express the desire to go on a mission. I've even heard it said that going on missions ruins females. The more I think about it, the better it sounds for my personal situation. In case anybody wants to know, these are the reasons I want to go on a mission

• My biggest fears are social. I've learned that the basis of almost all my social interactions is that I don't want to be disliked and I fear upsetting people. Consequently I often miss opportunities to encourage, educate, and even uplift others. Hopefully mission experiences would help me develop the boldness required to apply the needed pressure to encourage others toward righteousness (and thus happiness) in the right situations, and give me more opportunities to go out of my comfort zone to uplift others.
• I'd like to develop personal motivation skills--such as weekly planning, and personal accountability--that will enable me to become a more effective person. A mission would be a prime setting to accomplish this goal.
• I'm trying hard to develop the ability to receive and follow personal revelation. I can't imagine that going on a mission would not help with that.
• I've been undeserving of any guy that I've liked since coming to BYU and I want to be worthy of somebody that great in the future. I want to become better acquainted with the spirit, the Book of Mormon, the Bible, and taking initiative. I want to have the same type of internal growth spurt that they had (heck, I wouldn't mind the external growth spurt either. I seem to have missed the 'when I have grown a foot or two part :P) 
• I may have the opportunity to learn another language. I want to know another language, but learning languages seems to be extremely difficult for me. Extra aid from the spirit and with pure love as my motivation no language stands a chance, despite my shortcomings.
• I want to learn how to love more fully and learn how to be a good friend. I've never really been a good friend, and don't really know how to. I've seen missionaries fall in love with the people they teach and truly become great friends with them, and I hope to develop that same kind of love. (1 John 4:18 takes this back to the first point :) )
• I want to see the Lord's hand in my life. I can see some of His actions in my life now, but missions (so I've been told) often hold the highest and lowest points of one's young life. It is in these times when we really begin to see that the Lord truly loves us and those around us.
• It is the right, responsibility, and privilege of the tribe of Ephraim to spread the good news of the restored and refined truth throughout the world. I would very much like to claim this right and seize this responsibility to the best of my ability. 
• This is how I'll truly show my love for Heavenly Father. It's easy enough to say that we love Him, but it is our actions that validate what we say, eh?
• The gospel is true, the atonement is real, and it is by love that we strive to live. Never have I known anything to be so true. I want to be a declarer of truth and bring others unto this knowledge.
• I want others to have the same peace, joy, and happiness that I find in the gospel, and would love to help them receive it.
• The best way I can think to show my gratitude for those missionaries who taught my mom and who taught my dad's ancestors is to go on a mission myself. I have the opportunity to affect generations in a positive manner, and I wouldn't want to miss that.

In summary, the action of love precedes the feelings of love. Going on a mission demonstrates my appreciation and love for my Heavenly Father and Savior. By this action I know that I can more fully come to love them. To quote "Charly" (the musical based on the Jack Weyland novel) "If I serve him every moment that I live, with all the love I have to give, still I would be in debt forever." Despite the eternal nature of this debt, this would be a great payment.

Jen and I a few days after she got home

First time with David in 2 years

My life goal is to become the absolute best person I can be, and going on a mission would provide some great opportunities to develop my overall character. This is what I look forward to. Maybe my ideas about the experience are wrong, but I don't believe so. I realize that I will have to work hard to become every thing that Heavenly Father and I want me to be. Maybe the Lord has plans for me that don't include a mission, but I figure that active mission preparation is good preparation for anything in life. Life is a beautiful adventure in any case, and I am tremendously excited learn and grow in whatever way I am supposed to and desire to be prepared for what ever comes my way.

Here are some of my favorite missionaries! 

Elder Hall (Guadalajara, Mexico) and Sister Sturgess (Madrid, Spain)

Elder Frogget (Berlin, Germany)

Elder Loughmiller (Salta, Argentina)

Sister Frogget (Temple Square)

Elder Hales (Vera Cruz, Mexico)

Elder Colegrove (Mexico City Northwest, Mexico)

Elder Johnson (on the right--Madrid, Spain)

Elder Conover (London South, England)

Elders Santa and Weston (San Salvador, El Salvador and San Bernadino, California)

Elder Bowen (Fort Lauderdale, Florida)

Life is like a soccer game

One part of my effort to be insanely productive this term is reading inspiring literature. I picked up Tuesdays with Morrie yesterday, and so far it's been one of those books that makes me say to myself, I think I'm changing in a good way while I'm reading! Such thoughts, or so I thought, would make a decent kickoff to what might be a lifetime of blogging; after all, synthesizing thoughts into coherency helps solidify them, which is a good thing to do with good thoughts, I s'pose.
For those of you who don't know anything about the book (and actually read this blog), it's about an old man wasting away because of Lou Gehrig's Disease (ALS) who imparts his knowledge, stemming from his unique perspective, to a former student of his.
Naturally this is would be very thought provoking--what is it that matters at the end of life anyway? So here are just a few of my thoughts.

• I would be eternally unsatisfied if I have energy at the end of my life. It would be like playing an entire soccer game without being exhausted: it would mean that hadn't worked hard enough--that I hadn't reached my full potential in any sense of the phrase.
•  Sometimes life sucks, but there is always much more to be grateful for than to complain about. Remember that we are not really entitled to anything and thus most things are truly blessings! and don't complain about blessings when they're removed. Who are we to decide if they are temporary or not?
• There is not enough time to hold back, so don't fear and push forward. As President Hinckley's father said to him "Be not afraid, only believe." Bad things happen--rejection, failures, and mess-ups--but the success (and there will be many) far outweigh the regret if chances aren't taken. This is probably the concept that I have the biggest problem with,but I have promised myself that I will overcome fear someday, have taken significant steps in that direction, and will continue to until I die, or until I truly conquer it.
• "Love is the only rational act" True, pure love is the greatest motivation, yet so many of us seem resistant, myself included. "We think we don't deserve love, we think if we let it in we'll become too soft." I think it would be to the benefit of all to learn to be loved and give love, and simply make it more engrained within our existence as a whole.

 I've discovered recently that I don't have the capacity, or maybe English doesn't have the capacity, to express the fullness of exactly what I'm thinking, but this will have to suffice for now. My goal after reading this book, and after every positive experience is to change. I never want to be inspired and remain the same. Let's (yes, everybody) let ourselves be changed for the better. Through love, constant focus on what is truly important, and personal strength, let's cast away comfort zones and uncertainty and embrace confidence in positive actions to become the best people we can possibly be.

I have a blog

I now have a blog. Some day I might even post on it :)