Fear

Today is the day that I finally address the topic that has plagued me for the past year-and-a-couple-of-months. Those of you who know me well are probably very familiar with the topic: fear.

I used to believe that if I absolutely knew inspiration was from God, that I'd have know issues following it. I came to realize that wasn't quite true. I'd feel prompted to go talk to people--and then I'd avoid them. I'd feel prompted to write a note to somebody--and then talk myself out of it. Good job self :p. One of the overarching goals of my life is to be a servant in the hands of the Lord, but how am I supposed to do that if I can't do the simple things?

This tragic (yet crucial) realization happened in the spring of 2010. In the summer of the same year I decided to go home for the term. I thought I'd be able to work at my old job, because we'd spoken with the manager and she said she was pretty sure the new owner would be okay with that. To make a medium length story short, it didn't happen.

In the fall of 2010 I found out the manager had intentionally not called me back because she thought I'd be scared of the new owner. I didn't like that I didn't have an income for the summer, but even more, I didn't  like the fact that I seemed to radiate the spirit of a timid individual. I thought to myself Self, that's got to change. The next week in one of my religion classes we had a lesson on fear. My professor said things like Fearing individuals cannot do their own work well, and they cannot do the Lord's work at all. Scriptures like 1 John 4:18 kept rolling around in my head, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." I realized that here was something that I could really work on to become the kind of person I desire to be.

My mom conquering her fear by letting me drive :p

I thought of the different aspects of my life (intellectual, physical, emotional, spiritual, and social) and decided to think of something to conquer for each one. For intellectual, I finally declared my major and embraced the foreign language requirement. For physical, I donated blood. That is a story within itself, so I'll save that for another (maybe the next) post. I'm constantly working on social fears (oh the adventures of being socially bi-polar :p) For emotional, I was prepared to tell the man of my dreams that I was madly in love with him, but then I ended up killing my emotions, and I still haven't fully recovered them (another excellent story). And I figured that the overall purpose of the goal was spiritual, so that counted for that aspect. I keep thinking that it will get easier, but some things never do. When I give blood, I don't cry anymore, but I do squirm a quite a bit. I still pull away from people I should talk to. I push 'add class' with a shaky mouse every semester for German. And I still haven't really accomplished a goal for conquering emotional fear, but strides have definitely been made. To keep improving it's gonna take much hard work and courage.

Danielle conquering her fear of touching raw meat

Courage. The thing I've worked so hard to gain, yet still it seems so elusive. As I mentioned to a friend yesterday, sometimes I have issues with things that I've been doing my whole life and it dampens my hope for personal improvement. I've been working on fear for a little over a year, and expect to improve significantly, yet sometimes I can't even gracefully get food into my mouth, which I've been working on for 20 years! I find hope in D&C 93:13 in which John describes the mortal progression of the Savior. "He received not of the fulness at first, but continued from grace to grace, until he received a fulness." The definition of grace being "divine means of help or strength; enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts" (Bible Dictionary). Christ improved through divine enabling power and then received a fulness. Because he is our ultimate example, I can follow the same pattern and also receive a fulness. In the Sermon on the Mount, He says, "Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness; for they shall be filled." I have been hungering and thirsting, and will continue to do so. I know that through this I will receive my fulness (fulness=wholeness=perfection? can somebody check my math on this?) I definitely won't finish in this life, but by this I should be able to reach my full potential (the limiting factor being time). Purdy exciting, eh? Fear doesn't stand a chance.

But here are a few last thoughts about fear (for now) It is not wrong to experience fear, but it is wrong to live in fear. Fear decreases personal power, and cannot come from God; he rules by love, not fear. A good goal for anybody: never let fear stop you from doing something you should be doing. Das Ende.